The new digs

So after I helpfully pointed out to my friend Matt that by picking Georgetown to win the national title he had extended his remarkable streak of finishing first in quickest bracket pool elimination, he responded that I should "go grow some bok choy." As impressed as I was by the reference, I don't know. I think that was more of a crack than a real suggestion. But his bitterness at his pathetic prognostication ability reminded me that I was supposed to be trying to feed myself in ways that involved more than peeling the tiny wrappers off of those infernal Hershey's kisses Kristy bought. Thus, with a determined wipe of chocolate on my work pants, last weekend I went to work.

For months I'd waited for snow to melt, me to feel like it, the soil to move itself or the desire to have my own garden to pass. Outside of the snow succumbing to our temperate climate, none of those other things happened. I was forced to bite the bullet and do stuff.

First, two azaleas and a dozen crocuses (croci?) had to be transplanted. Then, five wheelbarrow loads of growing mixture were trekked from one end of the yard to the other - a physically difficult job made even more harrowing by a crooked wheel and a 45-degree hill that had to be crossed parallel to the top and bottom (long story). The final step was to haul the wooden garden frame and fill it with the aforementioned growing mixture, or, as it's known in some areas of the country, dirt. Not especially fun, but by the time the sun went down on Sunday I had a place to plant seeds that might actually get sun and Bonnie the cat had a new place to take a whiz (that would be her pee mark on the left, above). Win, win.

After a night spent tossing restlessly on sore muscles (it was hard, I say; I'm not a pansy), I got immediately to work on Monday planting seeds before my momentum had a chance to fade. The beginning of April is a little tardy, especially for vegetables that should be started inside, but some should be sown outside right about now. There are 16 "squares" in the garden, and more plants can fit into individual squares than others. Here's the rundown:

• Swiss chard (one square, five plants)
• Radishes (two squares, 32 total plants)
• Green onions (one square, 16 plants)
• Spinach (two squares, 12 total plants)
• Kale (two squares, four total plants)
• Basil (one square, four plants)
• Cauliflower (four squares, four total plants)
• Okra (two squares, two total plants)
• Cherry tomatoes (one square, one plant; yes, I called it a "cherry mater" in hopes it'll be fooled into thinking I'm a grizzled, old-school farmer who won't take any of its shit)

I came up with this combination very scientifically: These were the seeds I had that should be started outside. While I was rolling, I also decided to get some inside stuff going despite, as I said, the late start. The list:

• Bell peppers (six plants)
• Hot peppers (six plants)
• Broccoli (five plants)
• Watermelon (two plants)
• Celery (five plants, maybe. Those seeds are freaking microscopic)
• Cabbage (four plants)
• Artichokes (four plants)
• Collard greens (five plants)
• Tomatoes (four plants)

Do I know why cherry tomatoes are supposed to be started outside but regular tomatoes inside? No, I do not. Do I know why I planted celery when the celery I've grown in the past tasted like persimmons dipped in lemon juice? No, I do not. Do I know why I'm growing artichokes when I'm not even sure what the hell an artichoke is or which part you eat? No, I do not. What I do know is that the broccoli apparently couldn't wait to get started, as you can see to the right, germinating only three days after leaving the packet. The artichokes have also already pushed to the surface, as have a few collard greens. That's the good news.

The bad news is that the same thing happened last year, and everything died as a result of the wrong soil, not enough water and/or a light deficiency (I know, who knew, right?). I have vowed to not make those mistakes again. The seedlings (can you spot the collard pushing out over there?) and potential seedlings are already in the sun. They have been watered every day day. And I used actual, you know, potting soil instead of some stuff in a bag I was trying to get rid of.

The outside plants have not come to life yet. One of the reasons could be that they did not get their first water until Thursday's rain, and the nighttime temperatures have been much cooler. I won't get worried for another two weeks.

There you have it. This weekend, I will move the second garden and get a whole new batch of stuff started (which reminds me - I need carrots. I like carrots. I actually want to eat carrots, as opposed to half the other shit I planted). Of course, I'll keep you informed.