They're doing their job ....

So I've been called out twice in the last week. First, Kristy said my last post "wasn't as funny as usual." There's a compliment in there, I know, but like most writers I choose to ignore it. Then, my friend Mike promoted his new blog "Turn Your Head and Chof" by calling me a "noted hippie" before accusing me of siding with pollen in his case that pollen should be inducted into the "Douchebag Hall of Fame."

First of all, my last post wasn't supposed to be funny. It was deadly serious, because the food I grow over the next two years will be used to sustain my ragtag band of survivors when the impending doom of 2012 becomes a reality (Hint: Blog followers get first dibs on the potatoes). Plus, there's nothing funny about canning except for the fact it's woman's work. Secondly, I defend pollen only in the sense that is sustains all life as we know it. Otherwise, I hate that shit. It makes my life living hell every spring, and, as I pointed out to Mike, there's something bitterly ironic that I am made so miserable by two things I love so much: Nature and rampant, shameless fornication. Really, as far as I'm concerned things like this are the strongest evidence I see for a God. A sarcastic, bored God who sometimes fucks with us to give itself a brief moment of levity before he or she goes back to making quantum particles simultaneously exist in multiple places (seriously, that shit happens). It also makes me question evolution, because how are our immune systems so freaking stupid after all of this time supposedly adapting perfectly to our planet that they still think plant sperm is the ebola virus? Wait, that doesn't work, because our immune system doesn't do anything to the ebola virus.

Stupid immune system.

So with that out of the way, let's get to the progress of my little seeds. In a word, it has been astounding. Sure, they have tiny reserves of carbohydrates that couple with a genetic miracle to create life, but I still take most of the credit. I've watered them daily, and put them in the sun. The broccoli and cabbage are the most advanced, more than an inch tall, though the radishes and collards aren't far behind. Oh, and the lettuce seeds I sprinkled in a planter on the back deck rail are also coming along swimmingly. All of this took less than a week. Amazing.

In the the last few days, the tomatoes and artichokes have also sprouted, as have the kale, swiss chard, cauliflower, spinach, green onions and basil outside (along with some other random seedlings that I have not identified as of yet. All I know is that I didn't plant them and they will have to be terminated in the near future). The only things that haven't done anything are the watermelon, cherry tomatoes, peppers and okra. I fear for the okra, because, as mentioned earlier, Bonnie the cat has taken a particular liking to that pee spot. Oh, don't worry, I took her to the animal shelter for it, but it could still be too late.

Sadly, watering dormant seeds was probably easier than keeping actual plants alive. In fact, I think I've already lost a couple of collard greens that, in literally only five hours of sun yesterday, wilted from lack of water and broke. Still, despite their disappointing lack of survival instinct, I am quite pleased thus far.

My project this weekend is to get the second garden moved and prepared. There will be no more chance of frost in a couple of weeks, so we are about to be inundated with various herbs, veggies and flowers looking for a home. Coupled with the fact that I'm sure Juliet the cat would like a new place to defecate as well, and I have what you could call motivation.

Like all yard destruction that comes from our dear animals, I find that funny. I hope some of you found this post equally amusing. Laugh it up now. 2012 won't be so cute.

Here are a few photos I can't figure out despite my advanced html knowledge how to weave seamlessly into the text up there:

What you're looking at are collard greens, though I thought they were pansies with how poorly they handled a little sun. Get it? It's funny because pansies are real flowers. The fellow on the top right I don't think is going to make it. His stem appears to be broken.

Maters! I put a pair of seeds in each square, and both seem to have survived in two and neither in the other two. Almost as ironic as our immune systems.

These are the radishes. There appears to be a 100 percent survival rate thus far, which would make me feel better if radishes weren't often described as "one of the easiest vegetables to grow - great for children!"

That guy there in the middle? That's cauliflower. It's supposed to be there. That guy above him, with the two robust leaves, looks like he's flipping me off? Not supposed to be there.

Here we have the lettuce seedlings. The big lettuce came up unexpectedly once the weather got warm, though despite their tasty good looks they're for some reason so bitter as to be just this side of inedible. Nothing a bottle of Annie's Naturals Green Goddess Dressing can't sort of fix ...